along the way in getting to Machiel

I may encounter an adventure or five of my own.

Today brought me so many emotions. There was fear, shame, sadness, joy, happiness, frustration, more sadness, love…it was crazy. There was a dog, a funeral, two doctors’ visits, amazing friend visit, driving home sans wine and maybe some laundry.

I haven’t eaten yet. Not a single thing all day. Unless coffee counts as nourishment. I’m sure it doesn’t. So, I’ve had no food other than the Cheezies I just stuffed in my face. I have dinner cooking downstairs. I feel that now I’m home the craziness will subside. But, you know, it won’t. Because now I am left with my very own brain and no medication for my ADD in almost 3 weeks (my choice) …I’m never REALLY alone when left like this. Which can be a curse or a welcome friend.

I want to be a better person. Even though I drove home with a few glasses of vino under my belt…I want to be a better person to those that love me. I have been putting off visits and meet-ups and all sorts of occasions and I have nothing in the end to show for it.

My neurologist (who, funnily enough, went to school in South Africa in the hometown where RB grew up…I know it well) said: “Before we keep trying new drugs, let’s look at a few other things…” She said she couldn’t believe she never asked me about my family before (oh, you mean for the past three years that I’ve been coming here?).

She thinks my headaches and “mee-graines” are manifested through unresolved family shit. We talked about past meds, etc. and I said: You know, I appreciate your stance on my head pains being psychosomatic BUT I have looked at all my crap from every angle for many, many years and I have to say that I have resigned myself to accept the lot I’ve been given in life and I don’t want to look back anymore. I don’t want to “heal the child inside of [me]”. I don’t want to attack the darkness and regress and blah blah. Yes, I’m extremely saddened when I see how close families are meant to be, looking out for each other, supporting, teasing, loving, having fun and knowing all about each other. It does, quite frankly, rip me apart when I am witness to it (and that is 90% the reason why I leave when things get REALLY tight and close and all the things I wish I had had…it’s why I leave anything that is too joyous for me…it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me…so, I quietly make my way out the door). But even more so, I want to move on. I have wanted to walk away and been trying to do that for many years. I am in a place now that I am comfortable with and I really don’t care if I speak to most of them again. Period.

Sheesh. Not everything can be solved by giving candy to your teenage self.

Anyway, I left with a prescription for another new miracle drug (I win!) that will prevent me from having headaches. I’m pretty sure it SHOULD HAVE said: Leave Calgary. Go be with your sweetheart.

I have a stress fracture in my right foot from the crappy boots I was wearing all over Paris and subsequent walks through Belgium. I’m pretty sure I should have M throw the boots out (they’re waiting for me back in Posterholt). The “doctor” (quote/unquote=I firmly believe this guy is overworked and have my suspicions that he obtained his PhD in Cambodia…like, if there is a really crap university in Cambodia that everyone makes fun of…that’s where this guy went) said I can’t do anything that will impact my foot, such as running or jumping. Super, I can still do everything else. He also mentioned that I have to wear orthopedic shoes now. Period. When I questioned him further (as he was almost out the door to see someone else or go bite his sandwich or cry perhaps) he meant to say, “…until it has healed.” That’s a big difference in my books. Forever and a few months. BIG. Difference. Frickin’ tool.

I could not pick up my developed film when I wanted. “Apparently”, the tag said after 5:30pm. I neglected to see that and walked out rather despondent. Then, I was too late getting tipsy to pick them up after 530. Double frick!

Michelle’s memorial service was beautiful. Everyone who spoke shared memories and ideas of who Michelle was, how she touched so many people and what and who she left behind. She died doing what was her passion…writing. Writing, and questioning and getting to know the truth. I wish I could say I knew her well, as she was definitely a human that was well-worth knowing. But it was her fiancé, Michael, that I wanted to be there. Ever since I heard about her horrific death I have head him in my thoughts. They were each others one true love. Those aren’t just words. It really was true. And when Michael got up to speak, it broke my heart. Except for the moments and cute things that were theirs, I couldn’t stop thinking about my M. I couldn’t stop thinking about how broken Michael must be…to lose her…his true love. I’d fall apart. I would. He said he didn’t want to go on without her, but I think anyone in that much pain must feel the same way. But the thought of Michelle kept him strong.

From this service I took away a few things. That we should live our lives to the fullest. That it doesn’t matter WHERE we are, as long as we are with the people we love. That we all need to be better people. We need to hit the snooze and spend a few minutes more with the one we love, than to worry about being a bit late for work. That we must embrace life. We must not let it spin away.

Then I went to Claire’s. Talked, laughed, got covered in Kola hair and slobber, pulled Bella’s hair by mistake (drunken pinch-the-cheek turned into her turning her head and me pulling instead of pinching…thankfully we laughed and there were no tears).  I miss my Claire. I miss her and her people. I’ve always felt so happy with them. And I really like her M. He’s awesome. I think our M’s need to get to know each other better.

I need to do laundry now.

So, here’s me in a few months–top to bottom: glasses, braces, clod-hoppin’ orthopedic shoes and a slur from sucking in my drool from the new headache meds. So pretty.

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About soulglue

Canadian living in the Netherlands. View all posts by soulglue

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